The View From The Back Of The Field Is Just Fine

Just as we were told by many people before we joined, the swim team experience has, to a significant degree, taken over our lives. It has done so, however, in what I believe to be positive way. The most immediate benefit is that both kids are well on their way to becoming water safe, a concern we probably share with nearly every parent. A second benefit is that the kids get to be around friends all summer long, and we get to meet many adults as we slowly but surely enlarge our new circle of friends. We have all been having a great time so far. The meets cause a fair amount of angst for Michael when he has been scheduled to swim, but he is working through it well.

I have identified a more subtle, personal reason why I am enjoying the swim season. I get to see how my kids handle adversity, and how we as parents deal with our kids' lack of success. It sounds perverse, but it is proving to be an important development for all of us.

We have been very, very blessed to have kids who have never struggled in the classroom, the primary yardstick of "success" for children and, more perniciously, their parents. Neither child falls into the freakish genius category, but both have responded well to everything that the classroom has thrown at them. Kelly's marks have always been good, and she brought home straight A's for sixth grade (including two A+'s in the second semester). In the two years that Michael has received report cards, he has almost always received excellent marks. We know just how blessed we are, and are continually thankful that the classroom has not proven to be a discouraging place for them.

The downside to relatively easy classroom success is that the lessons of hard work are often not learned, since the kids' grades are often the product of a basic quick understanding and retention of the concepts taught, not hard work. Kelly has learned a lot about working hard in studying this year, and she rose to the challenge and did very well. She did not always enjoy the experience, but she pulled it off and learned some valuable time management and study habit lessons along the way.

Both kids have also been moderately successful with sports. Neither has blown anybody away with their prowess, but they have both become reliably competent soccer players, Michael is becoming a good baseball player, and Kelly quickly learned to be a solid volleyball player. In keeping with their academic tendencies and strengths, in almost every instance they have picked up and executed textbook techniques in each sport, even while generally lacking the dash of inspiration that characterizes elite athletes.

Swimming, however, is a very different story. Until two months ago, neither could be called a competent swimmer. While their peers darted and cavorted in and out of the water, our kids would play in the shallow end of the pool, not venturing beyond where their feet touched the bottom. When we signed Michael up for the swim team, we had no idea quite what would happen. The anxiety I felt for him on the day of the first time trials was nearly as intense as the fear he felt about actually doing them. I have no idea if he could even swim the length of the pool, let alone do it with four different strokes. I worried for him and his own pride, imagining how he would feel struggling down the lane in full view of all of his friends. When he finished his first 25 yard swim without stopping, I almost popped out of my skin with pride and happiness for him. He came in nearly dead last, but the time was completely secondary. The completion of the task was all.

Michael now has a couple of swim meets under his (skin-tight Lycra) belt. At the first week, he went slower in two strokes, but improved his backstroke time from "nearly drowning" to "just fine for a beginner." At the most recent meet this Saturday, Michael improved his freestyle time by a bit and dramatically increased his backstroke time again.

Even with the improvements, he was still dead last (albeit not by much) in freestyle and next-to-last in the backstroke. This is where the life lessons come in. Michael may be slow, but he is still learning, he is a lot smaller than most of his peers, and he is showing improvements. Consistent with his achievements in other sports and in the classroom, he is also demonstrating outstanding technique. His backstroke, in particular, is quite pretty. He may never develop much speed, but as he grows, the foundation will be there for improved performance if he wants it. That, applied in all areas of the kids' lives, is all we can hope for.

Kelly, too, has shown significant improvements in the water as a result of watching the swim team's activities and having a few lessons. She goes about it in her quiet, solitary way, but for someone who has always been uncomfortable with water on her face, she is showing great determination in improving her swimming.

As I watch the fast swimmers and their parents at every meet, I appreciate what those kids can do, and identify with the pride their parents feel. It certainly would be fun to one of them. However, I have found just as much satisfaction in watching our kids face their fears, process instructions, and improve themselves in areas that they know are weak. They probably will never be great competitive swimmers. I have to believe, however, that the determination they must commit to simply reach competence will be as valuable a lesson as shaving a couple of tenths off a time to earn a medal could ever be.

As parents, learning how to encourage, challenge and support the kids as they stuggle with something that doesn't come easy to them is also an important lesson for us. I see little value in systems that only reward participation and do not recognize excellence. However, I have found great value in challenges that must be measured in incremental progress rather than ultimate "success." All we have ever asked of the kids is to give their best effort, but that request has usually sounded a little hollow since their classroom achievement masked how much (or how little) effort they put out. Good grades have made it easy for us to praise them and have not challenged our own convictions. When the kids are faced with real challenges, though, we are forced to make good on our promise to support effort over final result.

It's working. The kids are showing that they have the will to learn and improve, and not give up when they don't meet with instant success, and I am learning how to give them positive support as they work through it. We're the caboose on the swimming train in this town (improving all the time!), and yet I could not be more satisfied or proud of my kids.